Scents and Sensibility
by The Original Jag Lady
Summary: Yet another rewrite. As the CSI's clean out their lockers, Stella and Lindsay witness an ancient male bonding ritual. Based on a routine from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
**Hi everybody! As my name says, I am The Original Jag Lady. I used this name to avoid confusing some of my older readers. For the whole story, please check out my profile.**

 **I do not own anything of CSI New York. You know the drill.**

 **A/N: Rewritten yet again. I forgot to mention the first time around that this story is based on a routine done by the Blue Collar Comedy Team. Hope you enjoy.**

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 **Scents and Sensibility**

The locker room at the New York Crime Lab was full of voices, metal doors clanging, and police officers yelling and cursing about having to prepare for yet another inspection. Chief Sinclair had ordered that all lockers be cleaned out, aired out, and prepared. Immediately.

Stella Buonaserra sat on the wooden bench and simply stared at the mess on the floor of her locker as she tried to ignore the noise behind her.

"Doesn't Sinclair have a life?" she muttered to nobody in particular. "My locker's not that bad."

"Not you, Stel. You got some of these guys who think this is their apartment" Detective Don Flack retorted from across the hallway as he crinkled up candy wrappers, an old tee shirt and a pair of crunched white socks. "Hey, I been looking for these." With the other hand he took a bite from his sandwich.

She smiled and nodded at the squashed white socks he dangled. "You mean like you, Flack?"

"Hey! My locker has character" he insisted. "Unlike Danny over here! Hey Danny! The lab's that way!"

The bespectacled CSI glared at him. "Hey! What are you talking about? I've been busy!"

"Yeah, while you've been busy, God knows what's been growing in there, Danny Boy!"

Lindsay Monroe laughed as she sat down next to Stella and pulled out a crinkled brown paper bag. "Stella. Forgot I had these. Bought these on my lunch hour last week." She pulled out a small blue candle and held it up to Stella. "Smell that."

Stella leaned forward and sniffed, closing her eyes and smiling. "Mmm. What is that?"

"Ocean breeze" Lindsay said with a smile. She then pulled out a green candle. "I love this one. Reminds me of Christmas in Montana. Take a whiff."

Stella sampled the dark green candle. "Pine tree. Nice."

"Ladies."

Both Stella and Lindsay looked up at a familiar voice. "Hi Mac" Stella greeted.

Mac stood at the doorway watching the activity. "Wondered if I could get a ride with you over to the auditorium this afternoon for the cermony."

Lindsay pursed her lips. "Yeah. Sure. Okay with you, Stella?"

Stella shrugged. "Don't see why not. You want to be with us girls while we're sniffing candles?"

Mac raised his eyebrows and smiled. "Sure, why not?"

Just then Danny hoisted his gym bag from the floor of his locker and unzipped it. He lowered his face to it and took a whiff. Immediately he bolted up and wrinkled his face. "Augh! That smells disgusting. Hey Mac! Come here and smell this!"

Mac Taylor smirked as he strode over. He didn't have to bend down. As the smell wafted up to him, flashbacks of combat hit him as he wrinkled his face.

"Is that the nastiest thing you ever smelled?" Danny wanted to know.

"That'd make a goat puke, Danny! Just burn that gym bag!" Mac then turned to Don Flack. "Flack. Go over there and smell that."

Flack turned his face away and snorted. "Geez, Messer! If I'm gonna die in the line of duty, I don't want to be from sniffing your underwear!" But then he motioned toward Sheldon Hawkes. "Hey, Hawkes! C'mere and smell this!"

Sheldon Hawkes crept over and sampled the air just a few feet above Danny's gym bag. He blinked as his eyes watered. "Augh! That smells worse than the floater I posted this morning!"

Mac Taylor leaned on the post, hands in pockets, watching.

"Hey Mac! What's going on?" Lindsay wanted to know, pointing at the smellfest on the other side of the locker room.

"Nothing. Just a male bonding thing. Know how you and Lindsay are sniffing candles? Well, this is how we guys do it."

"Mac, that's disgusting!" Stella said, wrinkling her nose.

Mac pointed behind him. "See? What's going on is, Guy Number One, Danny, thinks his gym bag is the worst thing he's ever smelled in his life. So he's gotta get Guy Number Two to confirm it. Guy Number Two is doing Guy Number One a favor by saying that yeah, that's the worst thing he's ever smelled. So now he gets two other guys, Flack and Hawkes, to confirm that that's the most disgusting thing he's ever smelled. You with me?"

Lindsay made a wry face. "Whatever."

Mac folded his arms now and continued. "Well, there's more to it. Guys Two, Three and Four are banking that somewhere down the road, they're gonna smell something even worse, and they're gonna expect Guy Number One to confirm that he's got something that smells even worse."

"Sick" Stella muttered.

Mac shrugged. "Hey, what can I tell you? You don't see a bunch of us guys sniffing candles either. So can I get a ride with you over to the ceremony?"

Lindsay shrugged. "Yeah. I just wonder why you want to ride with us ladies."

"Well, two reasons. Chief Sinclair is riding with the guys, and I don't feel like playing politics. The other? Well, just trust me." With that he walked out.

Lindsay and Stella just watched from their side of the locker room while Don Flack unwrapped the last of his sandwich and popped it into his mouth. "Geez, Danny! How long's that thing been in there, anyway?"

Danny shrugged. "About six months. God, what is that?"

"Liver and onion, from the deli down the street" Flack said between bites. "Makes your mouth water, doesn't it?"

"My eyes, actually" Hawkes retorted. He then turned back to the open metal door with his name. "Let me get this thing cleaned out."

"Okay, come on, people" Stella sighed from behind the wheel.

Lindsay leaned on the passenger side door while Mac Taylor stretched out comfortably in the back seat of the black car.

"Thanks for letting me ride with you." Mac said as he looked out the window."

Stella looked at him from the rear view mirror. "Okay, Mac. You're gonna have to explain something."

He looked back at her in the mirror. "Yeah."

"You don't usually like to ride with us. I know Sinclair is in the other car." She nodded at the brown unmarked car next to them in the creeping Manhattan traffic. "But usually that doesn't bother you."

Their boss smiled. "Should be any minute now."

Suddenly three of the four windows slid down on the brown patrol car. Danny, Hawkes, and Chief Sinclair held their heads out of the window.

Danny's face was wrinkled, and he cursed loudly back at Flack.

Sheldon Hawkes was holding his face and fanning the air.

Chief Sinclair sat on the other side, also yelling and fanning the air.

Detective Don Flack sat behind the wheel. He was looking in the rear view mirror and smiling.

Lindsay and Stella looked at each other. "Did he just—"

"That's nasty."

"Actually, ladies, you were asking why I wanted to ride with you, right?"

Lindsay glanced back at him. "Uh huh."

"Remember how Flack let Danny know that his gym back was the most disgusting thing he ever smelled, and that he'd be banking on having something even worse?"

Stella looked at him from the mirror again. "Uh, yeah. Okay."

"That's why Flack's smiling. He just cashed in his courtesy sniff."

"That liver and onion sandwich, huh?" Lindsay said.

Mac nodded with a smile. "I saw that one coming." He sat back and blissfully watched his team cover their faces and fan the air. Hawkes opened the back door briefly in an effort to get some fresh air.

"Flack sure looks happy about that one" Stella said with a dry laugh.

"Actually, the only thing that would've been better is if he had control of the window locks."

"I guess" Lindsay remarked, shaking her head as she watched the groaning and cursing.

"Okay Stella. You better move this thing before the Chief sees us and tries to get a ride. And make sure you know where Flack's sitting in the auditorium."

END


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